


The Demon Children of Fairy Tail

by PastafarianAlpaca



Series: The Demon Children of Fairy Tail [1]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, POV Original Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 11:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14543946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastafarianAlpaca/pseuds/PastafarianAlpaca
Summary: The Guild Master of Shadow Boot was having a great day until a bunch of ridiculously overpowered children showed up to ask for directions.This is a crack fic about the kids that the main Fairy Tail pairings would have. There's no romance because the parents aren't in the fic.Mild Spoilers for Tartaros Arc





	The Demon Children of Fairy Tail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NealWithTheJudgeyEyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NealWithTheJudgeyEyes/gifts).



> Okay, this is a piece of crack that I hatched with my fabulous friends. I really needed something to lighten up my mood after Tartaros.
> 
> -There’s a lot of swearing because it’s from the point of view of a dark guild member.
> 
> -I didn’t find a good place to mention it, but Boot Toot’s magic enhances his reflexes. Everything happens in slow motion for him. He can’t move faster, he just has more time to freak out at what’s coming for him.
> 
> This fic breaks a long hiatus for me. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get back and finish my Teen Wolf fics while I’m on a roll.
> 
> PS. I’m Australian, and I didn’t Americanise my language. I have absolute faith that all you guys can handle a few extra letters in your words :)

Boot Toot, the Guild Master of dark guild Shadow Boot, was having his first good day in weeks. They’d been out of business for almost a month after reports of Crime Sorcière being in the area and they were finally ready to take jobs again. Everybody was sick of laying low.

 

There was a jovial air in the Guild Hall. Over in the corner, Team Beltstrap, the strongest in the guild, was celebrating the birthday of Sir Thistleblubber. They were in the process of lighting the candles on the birthday cake. Poor Ogden, one of the weaker wizards in the guild, was acting as their errand boy. They laughed raucously as Lilica put out one of the candles on the man’s left bicep.

 

Yes, everything was going great for Boot Toot. Some jobs would take all the financial stress off his shoulders. In a week or two, he wouldn’t have a care in the world.

 

The double doors to the guild swung open. Everyone perked up. Hopefully, it was Dagar returning with some jobs!

 

A group of children burst in. Children. Seven of them.

 

Boot Toot didn’t spend all that much time with children, but he thought that these ones were probably all between 8 and 12 years of age. Good, well made, quality clothes. Boots finely crafted from real leather. They definitely weren’t from poor families.

 

“Excuse me!” The little girl at the head of the group grinned widely. Combined with her messy mane of pink hair, she looked a little feral. “Tell me how to get from here to Oshibana!”

 

“Hey!” Another little girl yelled, the one with bright blue hair and a strange red facial tattoo around her right eye. She reached out and snagged the trailing ends of the weird scaled scarf Pinkie was wearing, jerking the grinning kid to a stop. “Manners!”

 

“Master?” Gary asked quietly, from his spot beside Boot.

 

Well, while they waited for jobs to arrive, there certainly wasn’t any harm in holding some brats for ransom. What could go wrong?

 

“Seize them!” Boot Toot commanded.

 

He watched with pride as his men and women immediately snatched up their weaponry. Nobody could say Shadow Boot wasn’t prepared for the unexpected!

 

Next to him, Gary handed out guns to some of the younger members he’d been training in sharpshooting magic. Across the guild, Boseman shut and locked the doors, trapping the children in the building.

 

The little pink-haired girl’s brown eyes were narrowing into a familiar expression. Ah, so they had a fighter on their hands.

 

“Get Pinkie first,” Boot Toot ordered. “The others will fall in line.”

 

As most of the guild circled the children, pointing weapons at them, Owl and Team Leechtop headed for Pinkie.

 

The kid reached down to her belt and came up with a ring of keys. Score!

 

“A celestial wizard,” Gary hissed.

 

Celestial wizards were exceedingly rare. As such, they were worth an absolute fortune. Them and the keys they used.

 

Pinkie selected a key and held it up, the dim light of the Guild Hall glinting off the gold. Ha! As if that little brat would be able to summon a zodiac spirit! Even if, by some miracle, she got it through the gate, there was no way it’d have much power.

 

“Open the Gate of the Archer! Sagittarius!”

 

“Moshi moshi!”

 

“Shoot the spirit!” Boot yelled. Fuck. Who’d have thought that little brat could actually summon one of the zodiac?!

 

The horseman got off quite a few arrows before being overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of the dark guild. Angered at the damage done to their guildmates, Team Leechtop charged the group of kids.

 

Pinkie scowled at them as Owl lunged forward, dark cords springing from her hands, racing towards the kid.

 

It was all over now. Those were ropes of sensory deprivation. Being touched by one would render the kid deaf and blind.

 

“FIRE DRAGON ROAR!”

 

A massive ball of flame erupted from the diminutive figure of the little girl, hitting Team Leechtop and barrelling towards Boot Toot and the Gun Squad.

 

“WHAT?!” Boot roared, flinching back as the teens next to him shrieked.

 

 _Bang_.

 

The loud gunshot rang out, echoing in the sudden shocked silence.

 

Behind Pinkie, the little navy haired boy disappeared, leaving a pile of clothes on the ground.

 

“WHO JUST FIRED THEIR GUN?!” the Guild Master roared. Fuck, killing a kid was bad news. Stupid, idiotic morons.

 

The little pink haired girl had crouched down and was fingering the bullet hole in the pile of clothes on the floor.

 

“THEY SHOT UR!” she shrieked. “GET THEM!”

 

The guild erupted into chaos.

 

There was a crack of lightning as the little blonde girl in the back of the group disappeared. A yell sounded out from the second floor balcony as lightning flashed and thundered.

 

Next to Boot, Gary turned to yell at the Gun Squad, only to fall into the floor. Into the fucking floor. Like the ground wasn’t even there.

 

_What the actual fuck?!_

In the far corner, next to the entrance, surrounded by statues of Boot’s men, the little white-haired boy straight up turned into a furry little monster. It was too small to be terrifying, right up until it threw one of Boot’s guildmates _through_ the side wall. Through a fucking wall! Where did those statues of his men come from, anyway? Oh, fucking Christ, Boot hoped they weren’t actually his men.

 

“FIRE DRAGON IRON FIST!”

 

Fuck.

 

Boot threw himself behind the bar. It was specially crafted from nullifying anti-magic steel. Cost him a pretty penny, but it was worth every jewel he’d spent. It wasn’t cowardice to crawl to the end of the bar and peek out. It was just being smart.

 

What were Team Bootstrap doing? They were the strongest. If he could just signal them-

 

_!?!?!?!?_

The entire team was unconscious.

 

Shadow Boot’s most powerful team were all passed out on the floor.

 

The birthday cake they’d been eating was being shared by the bossy blue-haired girl with the red tattoo and a boy, red hair and a blue tattoo, that could only be her twin. Sitting next to them at the table was the smallest girl from the group, wearing a ridiculously large beanie and reading a book with gale force glasses. Not that you could really call that massive tome a book. It was hilariously oversized for the kid’s tiny hands.

 

The three children would have made a peaceful picture, if not for the bodies at their feet. Dune was laying in a worryingly large puddle of blood. How had their shadow wizard been taken out by these children?!

 

Boot Toot pulled himself back behind the bar.

 

“Master!” Errant hissed, dropping down beside him. “Master, these kids-”

 

“I know!”

 

“A dragon slayer and a monster and the-”

 

“I KNOW!”

 

“Master, they’re-”

 

“I KNOW!” Boot roared. “They’re the Demon Kids of Fairy Tail!”

 

“ENOUGH!” A young voice thundered.

 

Everyone instantly fell quiet. The silence was only broken by soft whimpering and sobbing from the second floor. Boot Toot took a deep bracing breath and forced himself to stand.

 

“Wooow,” the little book worm said, nose still buried in that absurd tome. “It took them long enough to work out who we are.”

 

“I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement,” the little blue haired tattoo girl said, approaching the bar.

 

Boot Toot was the Guild Master of Shadow Boot! He wasn’t going to hide behind a bar to talk to a child. The man circled the bar and walked forward to face the bossy little brat.

 

“We are just here for directions,” Bossy said calmly. “If you stand down, we’ll leave you in peace.”

 

“BUT THEY SHOT UR!” Pinkie screeched from on top of a table.

 

“He’s fine and you know it!” Bossy replied, annoyed, crossing her arms.

 

Seriously?! There was no way the kid was fine. He’d been shot, for fuck’s sake!

 

The fire brat huffed and jumped off the table, stomping over to a puddle on the floor. Boot watched, floored, as the kid kicked off her boots and started jumping in the puddle. The Guild Master hoped it was beer and not piss. Please, god, don’t be piss. He doubted the guild would survive if they returned the child to Fairy Tail with piss on her.

 

“Now, we are happy to leave in peace-” Bossy was saying, but Boot was distracted by the other girl.

 

“Get up!” Pinkie shouted, jumping in the puddle. “Stop being so dramatic.”

 

The puddle bubbled worryingly. Boot Toot prayed that it wasn’t acid or some shit.

 

“-ments are as follows-” the girl with the red tattoo continued.

 

“Seriously!” the little fire wizard was yelling. “Mavis, you’re worse than your mother. Get up already. Before I boil you!”

 

The puddle oozed away from Pinkie and formed itself into the little boy that had been shot. Ur, they’d called him. He was buck ass naked and didn’t seem to care at all. No, he seemed more worried by his clothes as he fingered the holes the bullet had left in them.

 

Boot Toot stared in disbelief. The puddle had turned into the boy. The fucking puddle. It hadn’t been piss or acid. Pinkie had been stomping in her friend.

 

What the actual fuck was wrong with these kids?

 

“Are you listening?” Bossy asked, an edge in her voice.

 

She was just a kid. Why was Boot so fucking scared?

 

“I don’t-” he started. Fuck. What could he say? “The puddle-” he tried, gesturing hopelessly at the circus act that was her two friends.

 

“PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!” Pinkie was yelling, trying to manhandle the boy into some pants. She was more hindrance than help, but the poor navy-haired kid was persevering.

 

“You will give us directions,” Bossy commanded.

 

“You’re worse than Uncle Gray,” Pinkie continued to rant in the background.

 

“Snacks and cake!” the red headed tattoo boy called out.

 

“Mum’s gonna kill me,” the water boy was saying urgently. “These clothes are brand new!”

 

“Hurry up!” A lilting high-pitched voice called out from the second floor, almost drowning him out. “I’m getting bored!”

 

This was punctuated by a loud crack of lightning and several shrieks. Gary emerged from a shadow at the top of a wall, fell to the ground and stumbled towards Boot and the bar, eyes wide and terrified.

 

“You will give us directions and snacks and the cake,” Bossy said, voice firm.

 

A loud crunching drew Boot’s attention to the corner of the room containing cake and Tattoo Boy and-

 

Cutlery. The little reading girl was eating the cutlery. Beside her, the little fuzzball was sniffing at a pile of what looked like every single cutlery item the guild had. As Boot watched in disbelief, he selected a soup spoon and offered it to the girl. Using the hand that wasn’t holding her book, she crunched it between her teeth, leaving the handle hanging out like a cigarette, and then scratched behind the monster’s fuzzy ears.

 

He needed to pay attention to Bossy, but fuck these kids were making it hard.

 

“Why can’t you keep your clothes on?” Pinkie was saying, tucking the water boy’s shirt into the back of his pants while he did the front.

 

“I can’t do the clothes like mum can,” the kid whined in response.

 

Gary fell into the floor again, while Boot watched numbly. All that was left of the man was a soft whimper.

 

“-we have a deal?” Bossy girl asked, eyes steely.

 

Yes. Yes, they had a deal. Anything to get them out of the guild while they still had at least three walls mostly intact.

 

“DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!” Ogden roared, punching the nearest table. The table with the cake.

 

It split down the middle, catapulting the cake on one end in a graceful arc into the wall and sending the pile of cutlery on the other end flying into the air. The book worm flinched, dropping her hand from where she’d been rubbing the furry belly of the monster kid.

 

Boot Toot watched in horror as a fork glanced across the cheek of the pink-haired fire wizard, leaving the faintest of scrapes in its wake. Of all the times for Ogden to grow a pair.

 

He glared at the idiot, only to flinch at the faces of the tattoo kids. They were both staring at the mess of the cake. There were a hell of a lot more weapons in that corner of the room than there had been half a second ago.

 

Water Boy was examining the cut on Pinkie’s cheek and looking furious. His arm was starting to turn black.

 

Oh no. That couldn’t be a good sign.

 

“YOU HURT NASHI!”

 

Ice exploded across the floor and tables. Oh fuck. Oh no. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

Boot turned and bolted, throwing himself across the bar and landing in a painful heap on the other side. He scrabbled gracelessly until his back was to the anti-magic steel and tried not to hyperventilate. This was it. This was how his guild went down. Not at the hands of Crime Sorcière, like the great majority of dark guilds these days. No, his guild would end its days under the trampling feet of a bunch of overpowered children.

 

As if to punctuate these thoughts, the ceiling above Boot darkened ominously. The Guild Master could only stare in dumbfounded horror as Gary fell out of the roof, landing on his back. His friend gave him the single most haunted look Boot Toot had ever seen on a human being. The gun wizard looked away from Boot, back towards the ceiling, and then started flailing, eyes getting impossibly wider.

 

“Master!” Gary yelled, lunging and shoving Boot across the floor.

 

A massive hammer made of ice crashed down where Boot had been, crushing Gary under its weight.

 

Boot suppressed the sob that wanted to crawl out of his throat. He would not go down crying behind the bar. In three seconds he was going to get up and face his doom.

 

Three.

 

He pulled Gary’s gun out of the other man’s limp hand.

 

Two.

 

He took a deep, bracing breath.

 

One.

 

He stood and turned to face the enemy, gun held in hands that were only trembling slightly.

 

_WHERE DID THE PANTHER-MAN COME FROM?!_

The furry black man-shaped cat ducked down and reached _into_ the shadows on the floor and came back up holding a kid by the scruff of the neck. A weird kid with shiny metallic scales. Where the fuck did that kid even come from?! He hadn’t been with the group when they first entered.

 

“You know you aren’t supposed to take shadow form,” the fucking cat was saying to the child, voice serious. “Your mother has been very clear about that.”

 

One of the doors began to swing open. It moved several inches before the damaged hinges shattered, sending the solid wood crashing to the ground.

 

A green haired man in fine clothes was almost instantly struck by lightning in the doorway. His long hair, messily braided and plaited, liberally littered with pink butterfly clips, stood completely on end. Jesus fuck, not even bystanders were safe! Except… the lightning wasn’t actually touching the man, just dancing around him. It eventually coalesced into one of the missing kids – the blonde girl with blue eyes. She clutched at the man’s leg, attaching herself to him like a limpet as his face melted into a look of complete adoration.

 

“UNCLE FREED!”

 

Freed. _Uncle Freed_. Freed Justine. Freed Justine of the Raijinshuu. Oh fucking fuck _fuck_. The Fairy Tail adults had arrived.

 

There was a huge crash as part of the ceiling caved in. Boot was forced to lunge to the side to avoid the debris that fell, tripping on his feet and crashing to the floor. He looked up as two booted feet touched down scant inches from his head.

 

A blonde man stood tall, a single earring hanging from his left ear, white stylised tiger head on his left bicep. Next to him, a little red cat fluttered in the air.

 

Oh, Boot hoped that wasn’t he who thought it was.

 

“UNCLE STING!” Pinkie’s distinctive voice yelled across the clamour of the guild. “WATCH THIS! WHITE FIRE DRAGON ROAR!”

 

From his vantage point on the floor, Boot saw a bright flash illuminate the horrified face of the Guild Master of Sabretooth. Just the _sound_ of whatever that brat had done was overwhelming. Boot used the bar to haul himself to his feet and survey the damage. Half of one of the remaining walls was completely gone. Not even rubble remained.

 

“NASHI, WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?!” Sting roared.

 

Of fucking course the Guild Master of Sabretooth was here. And _of course_ even he was struggling to keep up with these kids. This day couldn’t get any worse.

 

“Where’s your brother gone?” the black cat-man was saying urgently to the little reading girl.

 

She didn’t even look away from the book, just pointed at a blur on the floor.

 

Brother? Who could- Oh no.

 

HE FUCKING LOST THE SCALY KID?! How did that even happen?!

 

Ogden was screaming.

 

Ogden was _screaming_.

 

The little tattoo kids were both wearing armour – How? When? – and had multiple swords hovering around them. Every single blade was pointing at Ogden, who was cowering in the corner.

 

There was a loud exasperated sigh, and the book worm snapped her book shut.

 

“Solid Script Magic: Cake!”

 

A huge fucking cake, in the shape of the word ‘cake’ appeared from thin fucking air. What the hell kind of magic was that?!

 

“I CAN WRITE IT BETTER!” Scaly yelled, head poking out of a shadow on the wall.

 

The panther let out a triumphant yell, pointing at the kid. “Stay right there!” It lunged across the room towards the brat.

 

Scaly dissolved back into shadow and darted towards the roof, narrowly missing the panther as it crashed into the wall. A second, larger, shadow flowed across the roof and intercepted the kid. Oh fuck. There was another shadow person? What the fuck were they going to do with the brat?!

 

Boot hoped that the kid didn’t die. He still had a tiny flicker of hope that they might yet make it out of here alive. Fairy Tail didn’t kill their enemies, after all.

 

The shadows twisted and swirled for a brief moment before coalescing into a man with shaggy dark hair and red eyes, holding a struggling scaly brat under one arm.

 

“Uncle Rogue!” Pinkie cried. “Watch what I-“

 

“ _NO_!” Sting shouted, vaulting the bar and grabbing her. “No using _my_ magic!”

 

“You’re very heavy in your dragon force,” the shadow man – Rogue, of fucking course, because the universe hated Boot Toot – was saying to the kid he was holding.

 

Sting and Rogue. The twin fucking dragons were here and Boot Toot was actually fucking _relieved_ about it.

 

Lightning thundered along a wall before turning into the blonde kid and two grown men. The greenie from earlier was clutching one of the girl’s shoulders for dear life and a strange man with a helmet held on to the other as they were dragged around the room at dizzying speeds.

 

“MINI CHEERLEADER!” Helmet Man yelled. “CALL OUT THE CLOCK! PLEASE!”

 

Pinkie snarled back from where _she had her teeth sunk into Sting’s forearm_. Dear god, she was biting the powerful dragon slayer. Sting lifted his arm, holding the kid up by her teeth. Even from where he was standing, Boot could hear the low, constant growl coming from the brat. What kind of monster-?

 

“NO BITING!” Sting yelped. “We talked about this!”

 

They talked about this. This had happened before. This little twerp had bitten the Guild Master of Sabretooth before. What the hell _were_ these kids?

 

Boot ducked a flying table and slipped on the ice that was _coating half the floor_. When did that happen?!

 

He missed what the pink girl said as she waved one of her keys around, but there was suddenly a grandfather clock standing in the guild, talking out of its weird clock face. It freaked him out a little as he slid helplessly past it.

 

Oh.

 

Oh no.

 

Oh fuck no.

 

He was heading directly on a collision course with the tattoo kids and their fucking cake. Behind them, the little fuzzy beast thing was picking the spilled cutlery from the floor around Ogden – WHO WAS MADE OF STONE, WHAT?!

 

No, that wasn’t important right now. Boot Toot scrabbled desperately for traction. He _really_ didn’t want to crash into that table.

 

AHA! A sword!

 

He snatched it up, grateful for his magically enhanced reflexes, and tried to dig it into the strange purple-tinged ice to stop himself.

 

It didn’t dig into the ice. Didn’t even scratch the stuff. Instead, it ricocheted off, flew out of his hand, and skidded across the floor towards Pinkie, Water Boy, the little pink and green cat-frog in Pinkie’s arms, and the four grown ass men who were trying to shove two little kids into a fucking clock.

 

Boot watched in horror as the blade hit a piece of ice coated rubble and bounced into the air, heading right for Pinkie.

 

A hand flew out and caught the sword a hair’s breadth before it hit the Catfrog. Sabretooth’s Shadow Dragon Slayer looked from the sharp blade of the sword cutting into his hand to the Guild Master of Shadow Boot, just in time to see him collide with the cake table.

 

The solid wood of the table held, stopping the man without collapsing, tipping, or otherwise ruining the cake it held. Boot breathed a sigh of relief and then looked up.

 

Blood was dripping down Rogue’s hand where he’d caught the sword that Boot had inadvertently sent flying towards the children. The man looked furious. It was scary, but something drew his attention past the adult and to the little pink-haired girl. Her eyes were almost glowing, pupils slitted and reptilian. Crimson scales were crawling across her shoulders and spreading to her arms and neck. Electricity arced around her.

 

Oh fuck.

 

“LIGHTNING FIRE DRAGON ROAR!”

 

 _OH FUCK_.

 

The attack singed across Boot’s back and hit the table he was cowering under. The table the tattoo kids, the fuzz ball and the book worm were gathered around.

 

She’d just killed them.

 

Pinkie had killed her friends.

 

Boot Toot was going to die.

 

Singed splinters of wood rained down on Boot. He rolled onto his back to see the four kids, the ones that should be dead, standing behind an improbably large spiked shield. Behind them, a large section of wall teetered. The wood around it had been decimated. Fuzzball turned and hit it, knocking it out of the guild before it could tilt forward and crush the other children.

 

They were alive!

 

Something squished under Boot’s feet as he struggled to stand on the icy floor. What was-

 

Oh no.

 

 _Oh no_.

 

It was the cake.

 

The tattoo kids stood, standing face to face. They linked their right hands together and held out their left in the classic position for a unison raid. Oh fucking god, please no. The little girl held her hand out flat, palm up, creating a foundation for her brother’s hand, which was clenched into a fist with the index and middle fingers pointing forward and up.

 

This didn’t look good.

 

There was half a beat. Then chaos.

 

“RUN!” The Fairy Tail adults practically chorused, snatching Pinkie and Water Boy and trying to cram them into the clock with the other two brats and the cats.

 

This was definitely not good. This was obviously a massive fucking disaster.

 

“Seven stars,” the tattoo kids chanted, “pass your judgement on them.”

 

Book Worm grabbed Ogden the statue and all of the unconscious members of Team Bootstrap. They disappeared into the floor

 

Fuzzball snatched up both members of Team Sakura from where they were hiding behind an overturned table, the two women shouting in shock and struggling, and sprinted out the hole in the wall.

 

There was an ominous crack of lightning, startling Boot so he slipped on the ice, his feet sliding out from under him and depositing him on his back. Through the hole the Sabretooth Guild Master had made in the ceiling, he could see lights forming a pattern in the sky.

 

“Heavenly Body Magic: Grand Chariot!”

 

So this was it.

 

This was how Boot Toot died.

 

A sudden sharp pain tore through his shoulders. He yelped and instinctively reached for whatever had hurt him, turtling his neck down.

 

His hands clenched on air as a powerful jolt of electricity shot through him, spasming his muscles and making him twitch dangerously. There was a brief moment where all he knew was pain before he was ripped from the ground and into the sky.

 

Boot looked up to see a demon dragging him into the sky, wreathed in lightning. She had claws on her hands and scales on her legs and arms, all topped off with a fucking tail and leathery wings. Huh. He sure hoped that was the little lightning girl. The idea of this being yet _another_ kid was fucking horrifying.

 

The massive talons on her feet dug deeper into the flesh of Boot’s shoulders as another burst of electricity slammed through him.

 

Above them, the lights from the sky were glowing with an obscene amount of power. They were taking over everything he could see, whiting out the world in a wave of terrifyingly strong magic. He closed his eyes and tried to force his hands over his ears as the world exploded.

 

His ears were ringing.

 

It took him a few seconds to realise that he was still alive. The little girl had saved him. Incredible. She’d swooped in at the last minute and pulled him from the path of certain death. Below them, the guild hall had been decimated.

 

This kid was obviously a soft hearted little angel. Once they were on the ground, he’d give her a candy or some shit.

 

“Hey kid,” he said, eyeing the increasing distance between himself and the ground. Boot looked up to catch the girl’s eyes and felt his blood freeze in his veins.

 

She was giving him the sweetest little smile he’d ever seen. It looked like the heavens should be singing behind her. And then she dropped him.

 

Fuuuuuuuck!

 

WHAT A LITTLE SHIT!

 

Impact hurt. He’d definitely broken something. Some ribs, probably an arm. Jesus fuck. He was lucky to have survived that fall.

 

With a groan, the Guild Master of Shadow Boot forced himself to stand on shaky legs. His pants were wet. He wasn’t even embarrassed. It was excusable, expected even, to lose bladder control in the face of what he’d experienced in the last twenty minutes.

 

The back half of his guild hall was gone. Just completely obliterated. His magic-proof bar was a puddle of molten metal. Only the front wall of the guild was mostly whole, with just one door off its hinges. The rear wall was gone, along with all of the ceiling, and the back three quarters of the side walls.

 

A huge ball of purplish ice sat in the middle of the room.

 

The only movement was from the clock.

 

“Thanks to my Automatic Danger Response Mode, I managed to rescue these two,” it was telling the ice ball.

 

Green haired man and helmet man were both crammed into the small space inside the clock. Greenie was upside down, face smushed between the glass of the clock and Helmet’s pelvis. They were both completely naked.

 

“Get your balls outta my face, he says furiously,” the clock intoned.

 

“What the fuck,” Boot Toot said to himself, shellshocked. “What the actual fuck.”

 

_CRACK_

 

The ice ball shattered, sleet falling down on its occupants. Inside, water boy was curled protectively over Pinkie and the green cat. He swayed. Boot just watched numbly as the kid fell to his knees and collapsed into his friend’s arms.

 

“UR!” the girl shrieked.

 

A large shadow streaked across the floor to the remnants of the ice ball. Book Worm popped out of the floor, falling to her knees next to the other kids. Rogue’s head also lifted out of the floor.

 

“Solid Script Magic: Ice!”

 

“We need some clothes. There are children around, he pleads,” the clock said monotonously. It paused and turned around, facing away from the brats. “Frosting glass.”

 

Sting dropped out of the sky, the little red cat fluttering next to him. He hit the ground next to the kids and dropped to one knee, frantically examining Water Boy. Next to him, Pinkie was angrily rubbing tears from her eyes. The two girl children were pressing chunks of ice into the boy’s mouth, watching with worried eyes as he chewed them. What the fuck was that all about? Didn’t these kids know that you only put ice on some injuries? You couldn’t just feed it to anyone who was injured. That’s not how it worked!

 

The Sabretooth Wizard said something to Water Boy, face relaxing and shoulders slumping with relief at whatever the kid said back. Sting stopped to ruffle some messy pink hair and pull the girl into a one-armed hug. Her small back shook with sobs as the older wizard rocked her soothingly and talked to her with a low voice. Boot watched in surprise as the kid nodded, wiped her face on Sting’s shirt, blew her nose into the fabric, and then squared her thin shoulders. The White Dragon Slayer was left examining his ruined clothing in disgust.

 

A strangely familiar groan drew Boot’s attention. Gary! He was still alive! The Shadow Dragon Slayer was pulling people out of the fucking floor. Boot watched numbly as his guild members were carelessly tossed onto the ground.

 

“Master!” a chorus of familiar voices called. The Guild Master whirled to see several of his guild members being lowered to the ground by a group of little wooden… things. They all scrambled over to Boot, looking a little worse for wear, but all alive and standing.

 

A loud growl sounded as the fuzzy little monster burst through what remained of one of the side walls. Why?! There wasn’t much wall still standing. Why did he have to go through what little was left?

The two women he’d snatched earlier ducked around the wall and into what remained of their guild, eyes wide.

 

“You can’t come here and destroy our guild and then steal our clothes!”

 

That was definitely Lilica. Boot turned to see her awake and yelling at Helmet, who was standing proudly in only his visor. At least his back was to the children.

 

“We need clothing so we can take the children home, he says,” the clock interjected monotonously.

 

“Yeah,” Helmet said. “Otherwise we’ll have to leave the brats here while we go back to the guild for a change of wardrobe.

 

No. Please, God, no. They had to give these men whatever they needed. Anything to get away from the kids.

 

The members of Shadow Boot began stripping off their excess layers in a sudden flurry of activity, practically throwing the fabric at the two men.

 

“You’d really leave the kids here?” Sting asked, disbelief strong in his voice.

 

“Well, we’d leave you two to take care of them. You’re on the roster after all,” Helmet grinned, tongue lolling out of his mouth.

 

“Why _are_ we on the babysitting roster?” Rogue asked. “We don’t have children. We’re not even in your guild.”

 

“You’ll be grateful to be on the roster when you start pumping them out,” Helmet replied, disturbing grin firmly in place.

 

“Yeah, but I have a guild to run,” Sting _whined_. The man was actually pouting. “I don’t have time to be babysitting!”

 

There was a long pause.

 

“Do you not like spending time with us, Uncle Sting?” Scaly kid asked, emerging from the floor at the man’s feet.

 

Rogue pulled the kid into his side and gave his Guild Master a vaguely threatening look laden with meaning.

 

The blonde man instantly melted. “Of course I want to spend time with you! I’m always coming to visit because you guys are like my family! It’s just that I’m busy sometimes!”

 

“Too busy to see us?” Pinkie sulked.

 

“What? NO! No, of course not! It’s just-”

 

“Uncle Freed, you look weird.” Lightning girl interrupted. The Master of Sabretooth looked pathetically grateful for the reprieve.

 

Boot turned back to see the clock was gone. Greenie and Helmet were both dressed in a mishmash of Shadow Boot’s clothing.

 

Lightning girl was back to normal, looking like she vomited rainbows and farted pixie dust. Nothing was left of the little demon that had dropped him from the sky and giggled as he fell.

 

“And I don’t look weird?!” Helmet demanded.

 

“Uncle Bix, you always look weird,” the kid said flatly, giving him a bright, patently false smile.

 

“Ur!” Tattoo Boy yelled.

 

The two tattoo kids stumbled through the debris and hit the ground next to Water Boy.

 

“I’m so sorry, Ur,” Bossy said. “Please hit me for my impudence.”

 

Water Boy started to say something, but was cut off by Pinkie swinging a flaming fist at Bossy with a feral roar.

 

Tattoo Boy moved towards the two but was stopped by the green haired man.

 

Sting caught Pinkie and dragged her back, one arm around her waist and the other hand on her forehead. He was careful to keep the pointy bits facing away from himself.

 

Rogue and Helmet each grabbed one of Bossy’s armoured shoulders to stop her charging forward.

 

“THAT IS ENOUGH!”

 

The panther hit the ground, dropping two members of Shadow Boot into a graceless heap, and surveyed all of the suddenly shamefaced children.

 

“When we get home,” the cat continued, “we are going to have another long talk about your powers and the _consequences_ of using them.”

 

“But-” Scaly started to protest.

 

“No buts! You’re all coming home immediately.”

 

“We can’t abandon our job!” Pinkie whined, pulling a paper out of Water Boy’s coat and waving it around. “These people need our help!”

 

Helmet reached out and snagged the paper. He didn’t even glance at it, just handed it to Greenie.

 

The green haired man tucked it away in his appropriated clothes.

 

“You didn’t officially take the job,” the panther said while this happened. “We’ll put it back on the Request Board and let somebody who’s actually qualified handle it.”

 

Boot shuddered at the group of kids, all eight of them looking like they were about to stage a mutiny. There were a lot of stubborn little faces.

 

The adults of Fairy Tail and the Sabretooth contingent presented a united front, apparently preparing to corral the kids. Good fucking luck to them.

 

 _Knock knock_.

 

There was a polite rap on the standing door and then a purple haired woman walked into the remnants of Shadow Boot. Oh lord, please be from Fairy Tail. Just get the kids out of here.

 

“So,” the lady said, surveying the stand off in front of her. “Who wants a snake ride?”

 

 _What_?!

 

Who wants a what?!

 

The reaction was instantaneous. Pure joy lit up the mob of brats and they practically danced across the rubble to the woman.

 

A snake ride?

 

What the fuck did that-

 

JESUS CHRIST.

 

In front of Boot Toot’s eyes, the woman turned into a massive snake, wings extending from the muscular scaly body. The kids whooped and swarmed the creature.

 

None of the adults batted an eyelid at this. What was he thinking? Of course they were fine with this. It wasn’t the most insane thing he’d seen today. Didn’t even make the top five.

 

Once the children were all situated, the snake hissed and took off, flying into the sky as the kids squealed and laughed on its back. The panther sprouted wings and followed closely behind.

 

They were gone.

 

 _They were gone_!

 

Tears of relief welled up in Boot Toot’s eyes.

 

“We’ve really gotta get home, now. Good luck with the rest.” Sting said.

 

He reached down and pulled the CatFrog into his arms and nodded to Rogue, who dissolved into the floor. The little red cat at the White Dragon Slayer’s side sprouted wings and scooped his wizard up into the air.

 

Boot watched numbly as the Twin Dragons of Sabretooth disappeared.

 

Helmet cackled and jumped onto a platform made of the little wooden things that were following him around.

 

Greenie brushed his hair off his face to reveal the _weirdest fucking eye_ Boot had ever seen, holy shit. He muttered something to himself and created purple wings.

 

The two flew away together, leaving the members of Shadow Boot alone in the ruins of their guild hall.

 

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

 

 

After half an hour of headcounts and searching for missing guildmates, Boot Toot finally turned to address Shadow Boot, a grin on his face.

 

They’d had some setbacks today, but Shadow Boot would live to pillage and plunder again.

 

He opened his mouth to begin what would certainly be a rousing speech, but was interrupted by the remaining door of the guild crashing to the ground.

 

What _now_?!

 

Two people stood silhouetted in the entry way.

 

One was a beautiful woman, white hair, blue eyes, and a sweetly charming smile. The other was a mammoth blond man in a fur lined cloak, a scar running across his right eye. Neither of them needed introductions.

 

Mirajane Strauss and Laxus Dreyar.

 

Jesus fucking fuck _fuck_.

 

“Do you want to tell me,” the Demon of Fairy Tail said sweetly, “why our children came back in less than perfect health?”

 

Oh no.

 

They were all so screwed.

 

“We didn’t hurt them!” Boot yelled, hands held up defensively.

 

“Scratches and bruises,” Laxus fucking Dreyar said.

 

“Ur came back with a bullet hole,” the woman pointed out.

 

“He _what_?!” the lightning wizard practically snarled.

 

“That was an accident!” Gary yelled from beside Boot Toot.

 

Lightning exploded across the clear sky. It was ominous, to say the least.

 

“Look,” Boot Toot started to say.

 

 _BOOM_.

 

The thunderous roar of lightning drowned out Boot Toot’s world and sent him careening into darkness.

 

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

 

 

Boot Toot woke up in pain. Everything was bruised and scraped. He managed to raise his head off the ground and turned to check on his guild.

 

!!!

 

Walls of rock and dirt rose around him. He was in a fucking crater. Those bastards had annihilated the guild hall and left his unconscious guild mates scattered around like dolls. But still, they were alive and they weren’t in the custody of the Rune Knights. That was honestly a hell of a lot better than Boot had expected. Some healing, some rebuilding, they’d all be fine…

 

…

 

How much would it cost to make the whole guild hall out of magic nullifying steel?

 

Boot groaned to himself. He was going to have to go and find a doctor to threaten into taking care of his guildmates. By some miracle, neither of his legs were broken, but they were both very, very sore. It was probably the lightning. He had a vague memory of his whole body starting to spasm before he passed out.

 

After this day, Boot wasn’t too proud to crawl to the edge of the crater and haul himself up the rock. It felt like it took forever before his head reached ground level. There was a pair of boots right in front of his face.

 

Fuck.

 

Did he really want to look up to see what fuckery had descended on his guild? They couldn’t handle much more. They couldn’t handle _any_ more. They’d already had more than anyone in the history of the universe could possibly handle.

 

The boots were attached to a man wearing a Crime Sorcière cloak, of fucking course. They were cursed. Somebody had cursed Shadow Boot. Or maybe just Boot Toot himself.

 

Well, he was going to look death in the face.

 

Boot Toot craned his head back to see blue hair and a goddamn fucking red tattoo around the man’s right eye.

 

“That tattoo!” his mouth said without consulting his brain. “The two psycho kids-”

 

Oh no. _Shut up, mouth_! Don’t insult a man’s children in front of him!

 

Tattoo man’s rage was palpable. His cloak and hair were billowing in the tremendous amount of power that was rolling off him. “I carried those _psycho kids_ for 9 months.”

 

 _WHAT_?!

 

What the actual fuck?!

 

What did that even _mean_?!

 

“You know, Blue Balls, if you wanted these guys dead, I could do that for you. My wife won’t kill me for murder but yours might,” a sardonic voice drawled.

 

Boot’s eyes tracked to the side to see a maroon haired man looking up at the sky.

 

The man waited a moment for his blue haired friend to respond, then arched his brows at the silence and nodded to himself as if confirming something.

 

“Cool. We’ll head off first, then. You catch up when you’re done. It’d be cool if you left some of them alive for me to poison. You know how I feel about people who hurt the kids.”

 

The kids. It all came back to those little monsters.

 

Boot Toot was never going to be able to look at a child again without panicking.

 

Maroon haired man threw another look at the sky and whistled to himself before walking away towards a group of people in blue cloaks.

 

What was he even looking at?

 

Boot turned his gaze towards the sky and felt his bladder make a valiant attempt to empty itself again.

 

There, glowing against the stars, a familiar constellation of lights was forming itself. This was the spell the tattoo kids had done earlier. But this one was much, much bigger and a fuckload more powerful.

 

The ground itself was trembling slightly at the amount of magic power concentrating itself.

 

Boot let go of the walls of the crater and let himself fall backward to the floor, where he stared at the sky and waited for death.

 

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

 

 

Pain.

 

Boot Toot opened his eyes and regretted existing.

 

“-heal them all. Then they’re going to prison.”

 

Prison.

 

He was going to prison.

 

Thank God.

 

There would be no children there.

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve put this up as a series because I’ve got a few ideas for one-shots rattling around in my head. Also, because NealWithTheJudgeyEyes keeps saying “Imagine if…” and I’m susceptible to that sort of blatant manipulation.


End file.
